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Heres my go !
Big Brother!
Day 1 - Gaz W admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Stacey. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Julie is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Frosticles later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Paul creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Helen hits him with a spoon.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Local mosque out of Curry. After much persuasion by Paul, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the Local mosque task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Frosticles, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Curry. Helen is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the Local mosque task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Frosticles farts and blows Local mosque over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Stacey cries.
6 - Paul gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Stacey admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a spoon. Gaz W says he never wears condoms because they make his Ear sore and Paul agrees. Julie goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Frosticles sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Paul.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Gaz W goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Helen and Stacey are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Gaz W.
9 - Helen and Stacey are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Julie sings them a song - una paloma blanca - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Stacey out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Stacey leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Stacey's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Julie has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Helen is visibly depressed and is comforted by Paul, who tries to touch her on her Nipple.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Paul touching Helen's Nipple over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Frosticles refuses to run because his Ear hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Frosticles finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Helen calls Frosticles a lazy Ear.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Gaz W tells everyone individually that he thinks Helen is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Helen and Paul are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Gaz W.
16 - The nominations are announced. Helen can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Paul is equally stunned and turns to Helen for comfort. Frosticles is distraught and confesses to Julie that he thinks he is in love with Paul. Julie says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote Paul out of the house. Helen says she is gutted and even gives Paul a clipping of hair from her Nipple to prove how much she cares. Frosticles is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Paul leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Helen clipping the hair from her Nipple. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of France in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of France sounds like but Frosticles says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Gaz W as the one who must complete the task.
21 - Gaz W successfully burps not only the National Anthem of France but also God Save The Queen, una paloma blanca and the theme tune to Sex and the city. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and Gaz W tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Frosticles and Julie are nominated.
23 - Frosticles and Julie take their nominations well and sit down with Gaz W and Helen to discuss why they voted for them. Gaz W keeps quiet but Helen accuses Frosticles of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred Ear before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Julie out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Julie leaves.
25 - Gaz W becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Gaz W's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Boar dung using only a spoon. Gaz W is unsure but Frosticles is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Frosticles breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Boar incident from his childhood. Helen tries to persuade him to stay but Gaz W sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Frosticles decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Boar dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely ****ed on some vegetable wine, made by Helen from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Gaz W asks Helen to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Gaz W nominates Helen to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Helen.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Helen graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Gaz W is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Gaz W takes his £70,000 and runs away to France. Nobody, including Helen, ever sees him again.cheeRS
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